Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I though it was getting better

When I started this blog I intended on not having all my posts being negative, and one day I hope that to be true. But right now I think it is just to much to ask.

I am starting to have good days but I am still having bad ones too. The good news is that the good days are getting better, but my bad days are getting worse. Which I really didn't think was possible. I figured that I would still have them, but I wasn't expecting them to get worse.

I have been up for just over 8 hours and I feel like I have spent more time today crying than not crying. I am really trying to pick myself up, brush myself off and limp my way through life. And there for a while I felt like the only step I was missing was the limping part, but now I feel like I can't even pick myself up anymore. And that is killing me. I want so badly to be the person I was. I worked really hard to get to be the person I was and I was so happy with her. I liked being who I was. And now I don't know who I am. I have to go through all of that all over again. Who am I going to be now that all this has happened? Will I be stronger or weaker? Is it possible to be more bitter than I already was? Will I be able to love again? Myself or others. Will I be the type of person that can forgive those that have forced me into this new life? The person I am right now I feel like I can't forgive them.

And that bring up a whole new issue that I have been trying to figure out; how do you forgive someone that puts you into such a dark place? I know that is what you are supposed to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. And at the risk of sounding like a terrible person I am going to say this next part anyways. I don't feel like they have earned my forgiveness. I don't feel like they can look at me and realized that they are the ones that caused the pain that I am going through. I feel like I will forgive them no problem when they can look me in the eyes and I can see the pain they have inside for what they have done. I know that is wrong. I don't want them to be in pain, but I can't forgive them until they can understand, even in part what they have done.

Everyday is a new day that brings new things. I am just waiting for at least half the time it bringing me a smile instead of tears of pain and sorrow. I am hoping to find someone to talk to soon so that I can I can start feeling better. Cause I think doing it on my own just is getting me in deeper.

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