The Over-thought Rantings of a Redhead

I am tested on a daily basis. Do the right thing. Be nice to people. Treat them how you want to be treated. Say the right thing at the right time. It's hard and exhausting. Even when I am completely beat I still try to make others feel better. I still haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse to always want to help others. I just wish that I could put myself at the top of my to do list, but I am just not sure how yet. I wish it didn't take everything out of me just to get out of the bed in the morning. I wish that life isn't such a constant battle. It shouldn't be this way, should it?People shouldn't have to struggle to get through each minute of each day.

I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...