Well, school has been crazy and life continues to be the same. I am trying to get myself back into the flow of being a productive member of society. And in ways I am there. I have been a full time student for about a month now and haven't missed a single day of school. I have been able to keep my house in halfway decent shape. But I have to admit that my motivation isn't very healthy. I have this fear that I am doing all this to prove my worth. That if the house is clean enough and that I can prove that I am a good cook and house keeper that life will get better. As a good friend recently told me, I need to learn to enjoy my company over others and I can't settle for anything less that perfect for me. And the sad part is that I know she is right. I know that what I am fighting for is less that what I deserve, it just doesn't feel like it right now. I feel like things could be better than they ever were before. But I also know that that's out of my hands. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something for your life you don't always get a say in it. And dang that makes me mad. I hate that I don't get a say in my own life. I hate that if I want something I can't have it (not that I am spoiled and get what I want, but that I don't get a choice in what I want).
But I guess that everyone has that in their life and I need to learn to suck it up... well sort of anyways. Screw yesterday, I made it through today, and I am hoping and praying that tomorrow won't be as bad as the days prior!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I though it was getting better
When I started this blog I intended on not having all my posts being negative, and one day I hope that to be true. But right now I think it is just to much to ask.
I am starting to have good days but I am still having bad ones too. The good news is that the good days are getting better, but my bad days are getting worse. Which I really didn't think was possible. I figured that I would still have them, but I wasn't expecting them to get worse.
I have been up for just over 8 hours and I feel like I have spent more time today crying than not crying. I am really trying to pick myself up, brush myself off and limp my way through life. And there for a while I felt like the only step I was missing was the limping part, but now I feel like I can't even pick myself up anymore. And that is killing me. I want so badly to be the person I was. I worked really hard to get to be the person I was and I was so happy with her. I liked being who I was. And now I don't know who I am. I have to go through all of that all over again. Who am I going to be now that all this has happened? Will I be stronger or weaker? Is it possible to be more bitter than I already was? Will I be able to love again? Myself or others. Will I be the type of person that can forgive those that have forced me into this new life? The person I am right now I feel like I can't forgive them.
And that bring up a whole new issue that I have been trying to figure out; how do you forgive someone that puts you into such a dark place? I know that is what you are supposed to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. And at the risk of sounding like a terrible person I am going to say this next part anyways. I don't feel like they have earned my forgiveness. I don't feel like they can look at me and realized that they are the ones that caused the pain that I am going through. I feel like I will forgive them no problem when they can look me in the eyes and I can see the pain they have inside for what they have done. I know that is wrong. I don't want them to be in pain, but I can't forgive them until they can understand, even in part what they have done.
Everyday is a new day that brings new things. I am just waiting for at least half the time it bringing me a smile instead of tears of pain and sorrow. I am hoping to find someone to talk to soon so that I can I can start feeling better. Cause I think doing it on my own just is getting me in deeper.
I am starting to have good days but I am still having bad ones too. The good news is that the good days are getting better, but my bad days are getting worse. Which I really didn't think was possible. I figured that I would still have them, but I wasn't expecting them to get worse.
I have been up for just over 8 hours and I feel like I have spent more time today crying than not crying. I am really trying to pick myself up, brush myself off and limp my way through life. And there for a while I felt like the only step I was missing was the limping part, but now I feel like I can't even pick myself up anymore. And that is killing me. I want so badly to be the person I was. I worked really hard to get to be the person I was and I was so happy with her. I liked being who I was. And now I don't know who I am. I have to go through all of that all over again. Who am I going to be now that all this has happened? Will I be stronger or weaker? Is it possible to be more bitter than I already was? Will I be able to love again? Myself or others. Will I be the type of person that can forgive those that have forced me into this new life? The person I am right now I feel like I can't forgive them.
And that bring up a whole new issue that I have been trying to figure out; how do you forgive someone that puts you into such a dark place? I know that is what you are supposed to do. I know that it is the right thing to do. And at the risk of sounding like a terrible person I am going to say this next part anyways. I don't feel like they have earned my forgiveness. I don't feel like they can look at me and realized that they are the ones that caused the pain that I am going through. I feel like I will forgive them no problem when they can look me in the eyes and I can see the pain they have inside for what they have done. I know that is wrong. I don't want them to be in pain, but I can't forgive them until they can understand, even in part what they have done.
Everyday is a new day that brings new things. I am just waiting for at least half the time it bringing me a smile instead of tears of pain and sorrow. I am hoping to find someone to talk to soon so that I can I can start feeling better. Cause I think doing it on my own just is getting me in deeper.
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