Here is the newest edition. I wanted something that I could look at and find peace, and I have always found that in Cherry blossoms. It is my first attempt so please keep that in mind! I would be grateful for some feedback!
Monday, April 19, 2010
More Paint Therapy Part 3
Here is the newest edition. I wanted something that I could look at and find peace, and I have always found that in Cherry blossoms. It is my first attempt so please keep that in mind! I would be grateful for some feedback!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Easter 2010 (Dup from other blog)
This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last Easter at 6pm I was induced. I knew the girls wouldn't make it and I dreaded every moment. This year all I am left with are the memories of my girls and my husband. I really could have used his support today, but I didn't have him and I don't even know if he remembered.
Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.
I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...
Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.
I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...
Friday, April 2, 2010
Emotional Ramblings
Everyday I sit and I wonder why.
Why am I the one that is so easy to forget?
It wasn't that long ago that I was engrossed in happiness.
How could you have forgotten so easily?
How could this be something that you just turn your back on?
Everything I did was to make everything better, to make everyone happy.
Now what do I do?
People tell me that I need to focus on me and my happiness.
But the things that will make me happy are out of my reach, so again I ask, now what?
I try to think that the things people tell me are the truth, but after so many lies, I can't even begin to trust anyone.
I inherently want to believe in the good in people, but the keep proving me wrong.
Yet I keep going.
Why?
Do I really think that I can make a difference?
Do I think that people will just get better?
That people will learn that by ruining other peoples lives theirs won't be better.
That they will learn that after making a mistake you can't just keep on going with your life and act like you never did anything wrong.
Cause believe it or not, those in which you have inflicted such great pain upon don't get the option to just keep going.
So us, it will have always happened.
No matter how many times we go to bed, we wake up with the pain still.
We struggle through every minute of everyday.
Yet you go on as if everything is ok.
Like there was nothing you could do.
That these things just happen and it is a part of life.
While that might be true, technically everything is just a part of life, but that doesn't mean that it should have happened in the first place.
I am pissed and I am bitter.
I am tired of throwing life preservers will I am still drowning.
I have asked for help, and I am still waiting a response.
I know that there is no cure all out there.
And I understand that I can't expect everyone to fix my life for me.
And that is not what I am looking for, but I could really use the support from those I seek support from.
I just wish that when I talk about my feelings that someone would listen to me.
That they would see my pain.
And that they would be sympathetic and empathic as I think I would be if i was in their shoes.
I have lost a lot of friends through this up hill battle, and I thought that the ones I had left were true friends.
The kind that you can call crying and they will talk to you until you are laughing.
The kind that would do anything to see you happy again.
The kind that will go out with you when you can't be alone anymore.
The kind that will love and support you no matter what.
The kind that would just be there for me.
This is all so surreal.
Why am I the one that is so easy to forget?
It wasn't that long ago that I was engrossed in happiness.
How could you have forgotten so easily?
How could this be something that you just turn your back on?
Everything I did was to make everything better, to make everyone happy.
Now what do I do?
People tell me that I need to focus on me and my happiness.
But the things that will make me happy are out of my reach, so again I ask, now what?
I try to think that the things people tell me are the truth, but after so many lies, I can't even begin to trust anyone.
I inherently want to believe in the good in people, but the keep proving me wrong.
Yet I keep going.
Why?
Do I really think that I can make a difference?
Do I think that people will just get better?
That people will learn that by ruining other peoples lives theirs won't be better.
That they will learn that after making a mistake you can't just keep on going with your life and act like you never did anything wrong.
Cause believe it or not, those in which you have inflicted such great pain upon don't get the option to just keep going.
So us, it will have always happened.
No matter how many times we go to bed, we wake up with the pain still.
We struggle through every minute of everyday.
Yet you go on as if everything is ok.
Like there was nothing you could do.
That these things just happen and it is a part of life.
While that might be true, technically everything is just a part of life, but that doesn't mean that it should have happened in the first place.
I am pissed and I am bitter.
I am tired of throwing life preservers will I am still drowning.
I have asked for help, and I am still waiting a response.
I know that there is no cure all out there.
And I understand that I can't expect everyone to fix my life for me.
And that is not what I am looking for, but I could really use the support from those I seek support from.
I just wish that when I talk about my feelings that someone would listen to me.
That they would see my pain.
And that they would be sympathetic and empathic as I think I would be if i was in their shoes.
I have lost a lot of friends through this up hill battle, and I thought that the ones I had left were true friends.
The kind that you can call crying and they will talk to you until you are laughing.
The kind that would do anything to see you happy again.
The kind that will go out with you when you can't be alone anymore.
The kind that will love and support you no matter what.
The kind that would just be there for me.
This is all so surreal.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
More Paint Therapy Part 2
My most recent painting. The girls' birthday is coming up so I think that I will be doing a lot more "paint therapy" going on over the next couple weeks. Let me know what you think!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
More Paint Therapy
My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Over-thought Rantings of a Redhead
I am tested on a daily basis. Do the right thing. Be nice to people. Treat them how you want to be treated. Say the right thing at the right time. It's hard and exhausting. Even when I am completely beat I still try to make others feel better. I still haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse to always want to help others. I just wish that I could put myself at the top of my to do list, but I am just not sure how yet. I wish it didn't take everything out of me just to get out of the bed in the morning. I wish that life isn't such a constant battle. It shouldn't be this way, should it?People shouldn't have to struggle to get through each minute of each day.
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
Right now...
When I think about you I cry. I wonder what you are thinking. Are you wondering what I am doing like I wonder what you are doing? Do you love me the way I love you? Are you sad? Do you ever wish you were here with me like I do? I think about you all the time. The way our family should be, not the way it is. I can't believe that I am all that is left of this family. I would have given my life for any of you, yet I am left with no choice. I must live without you or not live at all. What options do I have left? There are times that I can't see through the tears... I can't see through the pain... How am I supposed to make it through the day knowing you aren't going to be there when I get home. Knowing that if I don't go home at all there will be no one to miss me. There are so many times that I have thought of you, woke up in the middle of the night thinking that you are still here with me. Thinking that you are still here needing me. Wanting my comfort and love. but realization hits and I know that you no longer need me. You have moved on to bigger and better things. Left with just the brief memories that we were privileged enough to share. I will treasure those moments for the rest of my life. Those are the best memories I have so far. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I will always be with you and be a part of you. You are who you are because of me, and I am who I am because of you.
-All my love...
-All my love...
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