What I'm Mad About... Today...

***WARNING*** This post is kind of a pitty party, but I need to let this out, so if you make it through the whole thing, THANK YOU!

The things I am mad about... today...
...that this is my life
...that I don't have a say in what happens in my life
...that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything/anyone that I want
...that I am constantly lonely
...that I am doing great in school but I can't even be happy about it
...that I am still not ready to move on
...that I want to do something for my the birthday of my girls, but I am made to feel crazy, as if it is sick and twisted to remember them on that day
...that I exert myself on a regular basis to move forward, yet I am only treading water, making no progress
...that the people that should be here for me aren't
...that I used to like who I am, and not I don't even know who I am
...that I know that he is with her
...to know that I am unwanted
...to know that I am alone
...that it will never be like it was ever again
...the dreams that were coming true crash landed
...that the only control I have in this situation is how I react about it
...that I have to put on a fake face every time I leave the house or see someone to spare THEIR feelings
...that I am jealous of people that I really care about and are so happy for
...that I feel like I am the only one who remembers my children
...that I am mad
...that I can't sleep
...that food has no flavor
...that I still try to make myself look good, just to be unnoticed
...that a band-aid won't fix this one
...that I don't know if I want to be with anyone else
...that I am 26 years old and have already lived more than most 62 year olds
...that my DS should be here for me, but seems to just not care
...that this list is so long
...that only one person will read this and actually understand what half of this means because I know too many people that would love to "report back to the enemy"
...that I actually care about what they think
...that I reach out to people just to get rejected
...that i wouldn't know how to handle it if I actually did something I should have done a long time ago
...that I miss it
...that I crave it

I could do this til my fingers fell off. I think that is good enough for today.