My most recent painting. The girls' birthday is coming up so I think that I will be doing a lot more "paint therapy" going on over the next couple weeks. Let me know what you think!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
More Paint Therapy Part 2
My most recent painting. The girls' birthday is coming up so I think that I will be doing a lot more "paint therapy" going on over the next couple weeks. Let me know what you think!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
More Paint Therapy
My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Over-thought Rantings of a Redhead
I am tested on a daily basis. Do the right thing. Be nice to people. Treat them how you want to be treated. Say the right thing at the right time. It's hard and exhausting. Even when I am completely beat I still try to make others feel better. I still haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse to always want to help others. I just wish that I could put myself at the top of my to do list, but I am just not sure how yet. I wish it didn't take everything out of me just to get out of the bed in the morning. I wish that life isn't such a constant battle. It shouldn't be this way, should it?People shouldn't have to struggle to get through each minute of each day.
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
Right now...
When I think about you I cry. I wonder what you are thinking. Are you wondering what I am doing like I wonder what you are doing? Do you love me the way I love you? Are you sad? Do you ever wish you were here with me like I do? I think about you all the time. The way our family should be, not the way it is. I can't believe that I am all that is left of this family. I would have given my life for any of you, yet I am left with no choice. I must live without you or not live at all. What options do I have left? There are times that I can't see through the tears... I can't see through the pain... How am I supposed to make it through the day knowing you aren't going to be there when I get home. Knowing that if I don't go home at all there will be no one to miss me. There are so many times that I have thought of you, woke up in the middle of the night thinking that you are still here with me. Thinking that you are still here needing me. Wanting my comfort and love. but realization hits and I know that you no longer need me. You have moved on to bigger and better things. Left with just the brief memories that we were privileged enough to share. I will treasure those moments for the rest of my life. Those are the best memories I have so far. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I will always be with you and be a part of you. You are who you are because of me, and I am who I am because of you.
-All my love...
-All my love...
Monday, March 22, 2010
What I'm Mad About... Today...
***WARNING*** This post is kind of a pitty party, but I need to let this out, so if you make it through the whole thing, THANK YOU!
The things I am mad about... today...
...that this is my life
...that I don't have a say in what happens in my life
...that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything/anyone that I want
...that I am constantly lonely
...that I am doing great in school but I can't even be happy about it
...that I am still not ready to move on
...that I want to do something for my the birthday of my girls, but I am made to feel crazy, as if it is sick and twisted to remember them on that day
...that I exert myself on a regular basis to move forward, yet I am only treading water, making no progress
...that the people that should be here for me aren't
...that I used to like who I am, and not I don't even know who I am
...that I know that he is with her
...to know that I am unwanted
...to know that I am alone
...that it will never be like it was ever again
...the dreams that were coming true crash landed
...that the only control I have in this situation is how I react about it
...that I have to put on a fake face every time I leave the house or see someone to spare THEIR feelings
...that I am jealous of people that I really care about and are so happy for
...that I feel like I am the only one who remembers my children
...that I am mad
...that I can't sleep
...that food has no flavor
...that I still try to make myself look good, just to be unnoticed
...that a band-aid won't fix this one
...that I don't know if I want to be with anyone else
...that I am 26 years old and have already lived more than most 62 year olds
...that my DS should be here for me, but seems to just not care
...that this list is so long
...that only one person will read this and actually understand what half of this means because I know too many people that would love to "report back to the enemy"
...that I actually care about what they think
...that I reach out to people just to get rejected
...that i wouldn't know how to handle it if I actually did something I should have done a long time ago
...that I miss it
...that I crave it
I could do this til my fingers fell off. I think that is good enough for today.
The things I am mad about... today...
...that this is my life
...that I don't have a say in what happens in my life
...that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything/anyone that I want
...that I am constantly lonely
...that I am doing great in school but I can't even be happy about it
...that I am still not ready to move on
...that I want to do something for my the birthday of my girls, but I am made to feel crazy, as if it is sick and twisted to remember them on that day
...that I exert myself on a regular basis to move forward, yet I am only treading water, making no progress
...that the people that should be here for me aren't
...that I used to like who I am, and not I don't even know who I am
...that I know that he is with her
...to know that I am unwanted
...to know that I am alone
...that it will never be like it was ever again
...the dreams that were coming true crash landed
...that the only control I have in this situation is how I react about it
...that I have to put on a fake face every time I leave the house or see someone to spare THEIR feelings
...that I am jealous of people that I really care about and are so happy for
...that I feel like I am the only one who remembers my children
...that I am mad
...that I can't sleep
...that food has no flavor
...that I still try to make myself look good, just to be unnoticed
...that a band-aid won't fix this one
...that I don't know if I want to be with anyone else
...that I am 26 years old and have already lived more than most 62 year olds
...that my DS should be here for me, but seems to just not care
...that this list is so long
...that only one person will read this and actually understand what half of this means because I know too many people that would love to "report back to the enemy"
...that I actually care about what they think
...that I reach out to people just to get rejected
...that i wouldn't know how to handle it if I actually did something I should have done a long time ago
...that I miss it
...that I crave it
I could do this til my fingers fell off. I think that is good enough for today.
Paint Therapy
So I finally got some new canvas' this weekend so I was able to start my "Paint Therapy" again. I have some from the past and if there is any interest in seeing them I can post them for you.
Hopefully there will be many more to come :) Let me know what you think.
Friday, February 12, 2010
I am SO done...
I don't know how my life got here. I don't know where I made such a wrong turn in order to get myself stuck in such a rut. I am not the type of person to just walk away without a fight. I know that everything I worked so hard for is gone. What do you do when the love of your life tells you that they don't want to be with you ever again? What do you do when they threaten you (not physically)? I don't know how to make myself move on when I just want to run back into his arms.
I just feel like the world is crumbling around me. My best friend and cousin is very sick. I am not sure what is going to happen and that really scares me. He has gone through so much and is still fighting, and he has been through so much. I don't know what I would do if that perfect example of strength and my friend and cousin wasn't there anymore.
I just don't know where to go from here. I know that I need to start living for me, but I have never known how to do that. I have always lived for everyone else's happiness, which makes me happy knowing that they are happy. How do I make myself happy? I just want the hope back that was taken from me last night. I want to at least have the hope back, but now without even that I just don't know what to find motivation in. I guess that I need to find it within myself. I need to find a way to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, but to be perfectly honest, I don't want to. I don't want to give up the fight for what I want. Why should I have to set aside what I want for other people? I just don't want this for myself. I don't want to give up what I want anymore, why should I have to? Oh I really hate catch 22s!!!!
I just feel like the world is crumbling around me. My best friend and cousin is very sick. I am not sure what is going to happen and that really scares me. He has gone through so much and is still fighting, and he has been through so much. I don't know what I would do if that perfect example of strength and my friend and cousin wasn't there anymore.
I just don't know where to go from here. I know that I need to start living for me, but I have never known how to do that. I have always lived for everyone else's happiness, which makes me happy knowing that they are happy. How do I make myself happy? I just want the hope back that was taken from me last night. I want to at least have the hope back, but now without even that I just don't know what to find motivation in. I guess that I need to find it within myself. I need to find a way to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, but to be perfectly honest, I don't want to. I don't want to give up the fight for what I want. Why should I have to set aside what I want for other people? I just don't want this for myself. I don't want to give up what I want anymore, why should I have to? Oh I really hate catch 22s!!!!
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