I can't handle this anymore. I need to make a change that I really don't want to make. I don't want to lose this. I do not want to have to say goodbye. Can I even say goodbye? I have thought about doing it and it scares me so bad that I just shut out the thought of actually ever going through with it.
I just can't help but wonder if this is where I am supposed to be in life or not. Do I stay and fight? If I do will this inflicted pain ever end? Will I ever get out of this what I want? If I shut the door and say goodbye is that closing the door on where I am supposed to be? Am I supposed to move on and find a life that is bigger and better? I just feel that whichever way I go I will wind up regretting it one way or another.
I want my life back, I want my daughters here, home with me. They deserved a shot at this world more than most living people. I don't know if I will ever find peace in not having them here with me. I don't know how to honor them other than keep going no matter what happens... I am still doing great in school, that's because I have making them proud as my motivation. They are the reason I get out of bed each and everyday.
I am just trying so hard, and it feels like every single day brings new problems, one more reason to be confused, so now what? I try to cling on to what little hope I have, after all, it's all I got...
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
More Paint Therapy Part 3
Here is the newest edition. I wanted something that I could look at and find peace, and I have always found that in Cherry blossoms. It is my first attempt so please keep that in mind! I would be grateful for some feedback!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Easter 2010 (Dup from other blog)
This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last Easter at 6pm I was induced. I knew the girls wouldn't make it and I dreaded every moment. This year all I am left with are the memories of my girls and my husband. I really could have used his support today, but I didn't have him and I don't even know if he remembered.
Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.
I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...
Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.
I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...
Friday, April 2, 2010
Emotional Ramblings
Everyday I sit and I wonder why.
Why am I the one that is so easy to forget?
It wasn't that long ago that I was engrossed in happiness.
How could you have forgotten so easily?
How could this be something that you just turn your back on?
Everything I did was to make everything better, to make everyone happy.
Now what do I do?
People tell me that I need to focus on me and my happiness.
But the things that will make me happy are out of my reach, so again I ask, now what?
I try to think that the things people tell me are the truth, but after so many lies, I can't even begin to trust anyone.
I inherently want to believe in the good in people, but the keep proving me wrong.
Yet I keep going.
Why?
Do I really think that I can make a difference?
Do I think that people will just get better?
That people will learn that by ruining other peoples lives theirs won't be better.
That they will learn that after making a mistake you can't just keep on going with your life and act like you never did anything wrong.
Cause believe it or not, those in which you have inflicted such great pain upon don't get the option to just keep going.
So us, it will have always happened.
No matter how many times we go to bed, we wake up with the pain still.
We struggle through every minute of everyday.
Yet you go on as if everything is ok.
Like there was nothing you could do.
That these things just happen and it is a part of life.
While that might be true, technically everything is just a part of life, but that doesn't mean that it should have happened in the first place.
I am pissed and I am bitter.
I am tired of throwing life preservers will I am still drowning.
I have asked for help, and I am still waiting a response.
I know that there is no cure all out there.
And I understand that I can't expect everyone to fix my life for me.
And that is not what I am looking for, but I could really use the support from those I seek support from.
I just wish that when I talk about my feelings that someone would listen to me.
That they would see my pain.
And that they would be sympathetic and empathic as I think I would be if i was in their shoes.
I have lost a lot of friends through this up hill battle, and I thought that the ones I had left were true friends.
The kind that you can call crying and they will talk to you until you are laughing.
The kind that would do anything to see you happy again.
The kind that will go out with you when you can't be alone anymore.
The kind that will love and support you no matter what.
The kind that would just be there for me.
This is all so surreal.
Why am I the one that is so easy to forget?
It wasn't that long ago that I was engrossed in happiness.
How could you have forgotten so easily?
How could this be something that you just turn your back on?
Everything I did was to make everything better, to make everyone happy.
Now what do I do?
People tell me that I need to focus on me and my happiness.
But the things that will make me happy are out of my reach, so again I ask, now what?
I try to think that the things people tell me are the truth, but after so many lies, I can't even begin to trust anyone.
I inherently want to believe in the good in people, but the keep proving me wrong.
Yet I keep going.
Why?
Do I really think that I can make a difference?
Do I think that people will just get better?
That people will learn that by ruining other peoples lives theirs won't be better.
That they will learn that after making a mistake you can't just keep on going with your life and act like you never did anything wrong.
Cause believe it or not, those in which you have inflicted such great pain upon don't get the option to just keep going.
So us, it will have always happened.
No matter how many times we go to bed, we wake up with the pain still.
We struggle through every minute of everyday.
Yet you go on as if everything is ok.
Like there was nothing you could do.
That these things just happen and it is a part of life.
While that might be true, technically everything is just a part of life, but that doesn't mean that it should have happened in the first place.
I am pissed and I am bitter.
I am tired of throwing life preservers will I am still drowning.
I have asked for help, and I am still waiting a response.
I know that there is no cure all out there.
And I understand that I can't expect everyone to fix my life for me.
And that is not what I am looking for, but I could really use the support from those I seek support from.
I just wish that when I talk about my feelings that someone would listen to me.
That they would see my pain.
And that they would be sympathetic and empathic as I think I would be if i was in their shoes.
I have lost a lot of friends through this up hill battle, and I thought that the ones I had left were true friends.
The kind that you can call crying and they will talk to you until you are laughing.
The kind that would do anything to see you happy again.
The kind that will go out with you when you can't be alone anymore.
The kind that will love and support you no matter what.
The kind that would just be there for me.
This is all so surreal.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
More Paint Therapy Part 2
My most recent painting. The girls' birthday is coming up so I think that I will be doing a lot more "paint therapy" going on over the next couple weeks. Let me know what you think!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
More Paint Therapy
My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Over-thought Rantings of a Redhead
I am tested on a daily basis. Do the right thing. Be nice to people. Treat them how you want to be treated. Say the right thing at the right time. It's hard and exhausting. Even when I am completely beat I still try to make others feel better. I still haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse to always want to help others. I just wish that I could put myself at the top of my to do list, but I am just not sure how yet. I wish it didn't take everything out of me just to get out of the bed in the morning. I wish that life isn't such a constant battle. It shouldn't be this way, should it?People shouldn't have to struggle to get through each minute of each day.
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...
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