I am so tired

I can't handle this anymore. I need to make a change that I really don't want to make. I don't want to lose this. I do not want to have to say goodbye. Can I even say goodbye? I have thought about doing it and it scares me so bad that I just shut out the thought of actually ever going through with it.
I just can't help but wonder if this is where I am supposed to be in life or not. Do I stay and fight? If I do will this inflicted pain ever end? Will I ever get out of this what I want? If I shut the door and say goodbye is that closing the door on where I am supposed to be? Am I supposed to move on and find a life that is bigger and better? I just feel that whichever way I go I will wind up regretting it one way or another.
I want my life back, I want my daughters here, home with me. They deserved a shot at this world more than most living people. I don't know if I will ever find peace in not having them here with me. I don't know how to honor them other than keep going no matter what happens... I am still doing great in school, that's because I have making them proud as my motivation. They are the reason I get out of bed each and everyday.
I am just trying so hard, and it feels like every single day brings new problems, one more reason to be confused, so now what? I try to cling on to what little hope I have, after all, it's all I got...

More Paint Therapy Part 3

Here is the newest edition. I wanted something that I could look at and find peace, and I have always found that in Cherry blossoms. It is my first attempt so please keep that in mind! I would be grateful for some feedback!

Easter 2010 (Dup from other blog)

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last Easter at 6pm I was induced. I knew the girls wouldn't make it and I dreaded every moment. This year all I am left with are the memories of my girls and my husband. I really could have used his support today, but I didn't have him and I don't even know if he remembered.

Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.

I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...

Emotional Ramblings

Everyday I sit and I wonder why.
Why am I the one that is so easy to forget?
It wasn't that long ago that I was engrossed in happiness.
How could you have forgotten so easily?
How could this be something that you just turn your back on?
Everything I did was to make everything better, to make everyone happy.
Now what do I do?
People tell me that I need to focus on me and my happiness.
But the things that will make me happy are out of my reach, so again I ask, now what?
I try to think that the things people tell me are the truth, but after so many lies, I can't even begin to trust anyone.
I inherently want to believe in the good in people, but the keep proving me wrong.
Yet I keep going.
Why?
Do I really think that I can make a difference?
Do I think that people will just get better?
That people will learn that by ruining other peoples lives theirs won't be better.
That they will learn that after making a mistake you can't just keep on going with your life and act like you never did anything wrong.
Cause believe it or not, those in which you have inflicted such great pain upon don't get the option to just keep going.
So us, it will have always happened.
No matter how many times we go to bed, we wake up with the pain still.
We struggle through every minute of everyday.
Yet you go on as if everything is ok.
Like there was nothing you could do.
That these things just happen and it is a part of life.
While that might be true, technically everything is just a part of life, but that doesn't mean that it should have happened in the first place.
I am pissed and I am bitter.
I am tired of throwing life preservers will I am still drowning.
I have asked for help, and I am still waiting a response.
I know that there is no cure all out there.
And I understand that I can't expect everyone to fix my life for me.
And that is not what I am looking for, but I could really use the support from those I seek support from.
I just wish that when I talk about my feelings that someone would listen to me.
That they would see my pain.
And that they would be sympathetic and empathic as I think I would be if i was in their shoes.
I have lost a lot of friends through this up hill battle, and I thought that the ones I had left were true friends.
The kind that you can call crying and they will talk to you until you are laughing.
The kind that would do anything to see you happy again.
The kind that will go out with you when you can't be alone anymore.
The kind that will love and support you no matter what.
The kind that would just be there for me.
This is all so surreal.

More Paint Therapy Part 2

My most recent painting. The girls' birthday is coming up so I think that I will be doing a lot more "paint therapy" going on over the next couple weeks. Let me know what you think!

More Paint Therapy

My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?

The Over-thought Rantings of a Redhead

I am tested on a daily basis. Do the right thing. Be nice to people. Treat them how you want to be treated. Say the right thing at the right time. It's hard and exhausting. Even when I am completely beat I still try to make others feel better. I still haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse to always want to help others. I just wish that I could put myself at the top of my to do list, but I am just not sure how yet. I wish it didn't take everything out of me just to get out of the bed in the morning. I wish that life isn't such a constant battle. It shouldn't be this way, should it?People shouldn't have to struggle to get through each minute of each day.

I am just trying to make sense of it all... make sense of why it is like this. What exactly is the "lesson" I am supposed to be getting from this? I am only 26, but have the soul of an old woman. And I am very bitter about that. I shouldn't have had to see the things I have seen, go through what I have been through. But I have. And I have to live with that. And that is all that I am trying to do. Get through life. Get as much enjoyment as possible. But as they say, you tend to only remember the bad... I want some good that stays good. I want happiness that lasts forever. I know that there will be hiccups along the way, and that is fine. I just want something. Love, children, comfort, safety and happiness. I am not asking for financial riches, I am asking for happiness. I have earned happiness. Even ask those who have hurt me. Even they will tell you that I am a good person who never deserved what they did to me. I am a good person, who does good things. I try to help anyone in anyway that I can. I give back. I used to completely believed in Karma. Now there is only a glimmer. It proved me wrong. Life showed me that Karma does not exist. Good deeds do not necessarily bring good things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And sometimes a lot of bad things happen to one good person. There is no balance, there is no fairness. Life just is... Right now I am just going to keep on being as good of a person as I can be. Do everything the best that I can. To not disappoint myself, for I know that there will be many more disappointments in this life and I don't need to add to it. I bear my burdens and I keep walking, and until I can't walk anymore, I will keep on pushing. Please let me have the strength...

Right now...

When I think about you I cry. I wonder what you are thinking. Are you wondering what I am doing like I wonder what you are doing? Do you love me the way I love you? Are you sad? Do you ever wish you were here with me like I do? I think about you all the time. The way our family should be, not the way it is. I can't believe that I am all that is left of this family. I would have given my life for any of you, yet I am left with no choice. I must live without you or not live at all. What options do I have left? There are times that I can't see through the tears... I can't see through the pain... How am I supposed to make it through the day knowing you aren't going to be there when I get home. Knowing that if I don't go home at all there will be no one to miss me. There are so many times that I have thought of you, woke up in the middle of the night thinking that you are still here with me. Thinking that you are still here needing me. Wanting my comfort and love. but realization hits and I know that you no longer need me. You have moved on to bigger and better things. Left with just the brief memories that we were privileged enough to share. I will treasure those moments for the rest of my life. Those are the best memories I have so far. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I will always be with you and be a part of you. You are who you are because of me, and I am who I am because of you.

-All my love...

What I'm Mad About... Today...

***WARNING*** This post is kind of a pitty party, but I need to let this out, so if you make it through the whole thing, THANK YOU!

The things I am mad about... today...
...that this is my life
...that I don't have a say in what happens in my life
...that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything/anyone that I want
...that I am constantly lonely
...that I am doing great in school but I can't even be happy about it
...that I am still not ready to move on
...that I want to do something for my the birthday of my girls, but I am made to feel crazy, as if it is sick and twisted to remember them on that day
...that I exert myself on a regular basis to move forward, yet I am only treading water, making no progress
...that the people that should be here for me aren't
...that I used to like who I am, and not I don't even know who I am
...that I know that he is with her
...to know that I am unwanted
...to know that I am alone
...that it will never be like it was ever again
...the dreams that were coming true crash landed
...that the only control I have in this situation is how I react about it
...that I have to put on a fake face every time I leave the house or see someone to spare THEIR feelings
...that I am jealous of people that I really care about and are so happy for
...that I feel like I am the only one who remembers my children
...that I am mad
...that I can't sleep
...that food has no flavor
...that I still try to make myself look good, just to be unnoticed
...that a band-aid won't fix this one
...that I don't know if I want to be with anyone else
...that I am 26 years old and have already lived more than most 62 year olds
...that my DS should be here for me, but seems to just not care
...that this list is so long
...that only one person will read this and actually understand what half of this means because I know too many people that would love to "report back to the enemy"
...that I actually care about what they think
...that I reach out to people just to get rejected
...that i wouldn't know how to handle it if I actually did something I should have done a long time ago
...that I miss it
...that I crave it

I could do this til my fingers fell off. I think that is good enough for today.

Paint Therapy

So I finally got some new canvas' this weekend so I was able to start my "Paint Therapy" again. I have some from the past and if there is any interest in seeing them I can post them for you.
Hopefully there will be many more to come :) Let me know what you think.

I am SO done...

I don't know how my life got here. I don't know where I made such a wrong turn in order to get myself stuck in such a rut. I am not the type of person to just walk away without a fight. I know that everything I worked so hard for is gone. What do you do when the love of your life tells you that they don't want to be with you ever again? What do you do when they threaten you (not physically)? I don't know how to make myself move on when I just want to run back into his arms.

I just feel like the world is crumbling around me. My best friend and cousin is very sick. I am not sure what is going to happen and that really scares me. He has gone through so much and is still fighting, and he has been through so much. I don't know what I would do if that perfect example of strength and my friend and cousin wasn't there anymore.

I just don't know where to go from here. I know that I need to start living for me, but I have never known how to do that. I have always lived for everyone else's happiness, which makes me happy knowing that they are happy. How do I make myself happy? I just want the hope back that was taken from me last night. I want to at least have the hope back, but now without even that I just don't know what to find motivation in. I guess that I need to find it within myself. I need to find a way to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, but to be perfectly honest, I don't want to. I don't want to give up the fight for what I want. Why should I have to set aside what I want for other people? I just don't want this for myself. I don't want to give up what I want anymore, why should I have to? Oh I really hate catch 22s!!!!

Keep on hopin'...

Well, school has been crazy and life continues to be the same. I am trying to get myself back into the flow of being a productive member of society. And in ways I am there. I have been a full time student for about a month now and haven't missed a single day of school. I have been able to keep my house in halfway decent shape. But I have to admit that my motivation isn't very healthy. I have this fear that I am doing all this to prove my worth. That if the house is clean enough and that I can prove that I am a good cook and house keeper that life will get better. As a good friend recently told me, I need to learn to enjoy my company over others and I can't settle for anything less that perfect for me. And the sad part is that I know she is right. I know that what I am fighting for is less that what I deserve, it just doesn't feel like it right now. I feel like things could be better than they ever were before. But I also know that that's out of my hands. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something for your life you don't always get a say in it. And dang that makes me mad. I hate that I don't get a say in my own life. I hate that if I want something I can't have it (not that I am spoiled and get what I want, but that I don't get a choice in what I want).

But I guess that everyone has that in their life and I need to learn to suck it up... well sort of anyways. Screw yesterday, I made it through today, and I am hoping and praying that tomorrow won't be as bad as the days prior!